Funny Parent Tweets
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Tweet Hunter
What are the best parenting tweets ever?
Finding the best tweets written by someone can be tricky. Fortunately, if you’re wondering what are the best tweets that {name} has ever written, we’ve done the work for you! Here’s a curated selection of the best stuff parenting has ever tweeted!
Chase Austin
@chaseaustin888Money and women will solve a large part of your lack of confidence. Sounds incredibly vain but printing money out of the sky and getting eyes from pretty girls will make you feel a certain type of way that can’t be faked. It’s a drug that makes you feel bigger than life
CatGirl Kulak 😻😿 (Anarchonomicon)
@FromKulakNO! Ancient Civilization and technology didn't magically stop wherever Lumber was Plentiful and you didn't have to build out of stone. Read Caesar or any roman sources and they describe Gaulic, British, and Germanic towns and cities of 10s of thousands. The reason we have fewer of their ruins is that before the Advent of Castles there was little reason to build out of stone instead of the same wood & thatch roof structures you'd see in towns up to the 19th century. Alesia held 70,000 defenders before Rome Besieged it. Avaricum had a pre-war population of 40,000 and was considered one of the most beautiful towns in the world... Caesar comments on this as part of the reason the Gauls refused to abandon it in addition to its massive stone walls. Hollywood is attached to the image of pre-roman Northern Europe as a barbarous illiterate place that built nothing and wore no finery... because then they get to save on sets and costumes. And likewise you get some Neo-primitivists that fall in love with this image of Celts, gauls, and Germans... But they'll all admit the radically larger scale of things if pushed or shown sources. The people who are most violently attached to the idea of Northern Europe as an illiterate waste comparable to to the very worst parts of Modern Africa where the largest settlement was a few hundred people "Ooogga Boogga" Barbarians... Are not even SJWs... But Christians. They desperately want it to be the case that northern europe was just wallowing in illiterate filth before Christianity arrived... Which is very plainly NOT the case, and the litteracy and complexity of their Pre-Roman societies is attested by the Romans... It's just no texts survive from this period for the same reason no Carthaginian texts survive, and no Assyrian or Parthian Texts, or No Iberian Texts, and almost no Egyptian texts (almost all our sources on egypt are from earlier periods where it was carved in stone, or from rome) and only about 500-1000 combined Greeks and roman texts survive... out of what we KNOW were 10s if not hundreds of thousands of works. A) Because Pulped paper had not been invented, and almost every medium decayed vastly quicker without modern matterials and either printing or an elaborate monestary system... B) Because early Christians and later early Muslims actively destroyed several of the most prominent libraries in the Ancient world (notably Alexandria) where 10s of thousand of texts in dozens of languages were gathered and copied. This was Doubly devastating because they destroyed the libraries in the Dry climates where you could preserve a scroll for 1000 years (whereas it's a nightmare to preserve books pre-climate control in Wet Climes like northern Europe) This is a Major factor in the "Jerusalem Vs. Athens" civilizational dichotomy... That both the Greeks and the Jews are artificially granted VASTLY more world historical importance than they deserve, merely because of the Accident that they lacked lumber and so mostly built in stone, and they lacked rain and winter, and so their texts were vastly more likely to survive. Again only about 500-1000 non-hieroglyphic ancient text survive at all. It would have been very VERY easy for the Bible, or other Jewish tales, or the Philosophy of Plato, or the Histories of Thucydides, or Caesar's history of the Gallic wars to perish like Caesar Augustus' Autobiography or the Six lost Homeric epics, or Socrates' retelling of Aesop's Fables, Or King Ptolomy's first hand account of the Conquests of Alexander, or Cato's 7 Volume History of Rome, or Sulla's Memoirs, or Julius Caesar's book length Epic Poem about Hercules, or 2 thirds of Aristotle's works, or indeed the MAJORITY of the Gospels. Below is a mostly accurate to Caesar's account depiction of the Siege of the Gallic town of Avaricum
I listened yesterday to the Joe Rogan episode with that Cooper guy, and right away, I knew what I had to do. I got in my car and drove straight to my 98-year-old grandmother’s house. You know, my grandmother—the one who lost her first husband, her little children, her parents, and every single one of her siblings in the Holocaust. The one who somehow crawled out of hell, rebuilt a life from nothing, and still wakes up at night with memories she can’t bring herself to talk about. I had to go to her because, for nearly a century, she’s been living a lie. She’s been telling us these horrific, gruesome, gut-wrenching stories—about the Germans, painting them as if they were monsters, as if they were actually villains. But I just listened to someone who really knows his shit, and he made it crystal clear: we’ve all misunderstood them. So, I sat her down. I took a deep breath, looked her in the eyes—those same eyes that have seen things I can’t even begin to comprehend—and I told her the truth. “Grandma, enough. Enough with the fake grieving. Enough with the lies. For almost a hundred years, you’ve been poisoning people’s minds with your one-sided, manipulative sob story. But I just listened to an expert—a guy on a podcast, which, as we all know, is the highest form of truth and reality—and he set the record straight. “Hitler and his people weren’t what you think they were. They weren’t cold-blooded murderers, genocidal maniacs, or ruthless butchers. No, Grandma, they were complicated. They had reasons. They had perspectives that, shockingly, you and your family never bothered to consider. Did you ever stop, in between watching your children being ripped from your arms, to ask yourself what they were going through? Did you ever think, while you were starving in Auschwitz, that maybe, just maybe, they felt misunderstood? “I mean, sure, they rounded you up, packed you into trains like cattle, and sent you to a place designed to erase you from existence—but did you ever take a moment to see things from their point of view? Maybe they were under a lot of stress. Maybe they had economic struggles. Maybe they just needed you to pause for a second and acknowledge their pain. That’s all they asked for, Grandma. A little empathy. A little open-mindedness. And really, was that so much to give?” After I finished, my grandmother—like a typical Jew, and like every Holocaust survivor who just won’t let things go—reacted with horror and anger. But I stopped her right there. I reminded her that, these days, canceling and shutting down uncomfortable ideas only makes it seem like there is some kind of Jewish supremacy. And I wasn’t about to let her cancel me, so I left...
Lurkin' Mom
@LurkAtHomeMomThe parenting books don’t do enough to warn you about the fact that work ends at 5, the bus gets home at 4, and dance starts at 3:30.
PROLACTIN 💉🏃🏽♂️🩺
@prolactin_This gentle parenting thing you people are doing will be the end of us all.
Jeremiah O.O
@miahoriolaOne thing I find very funny is how people back home help you calculate how much you earn monthly? Especially when they know you work all round. “I’m sure you make over £2500 which is about 5 million Naira, parting with 100k (£100) shouldn’t be hard for you now” Ori e ti daru!
ZERO IKA 🗡️
@IamZeroIkaSome uncomfortable, brutal and extended truths: The more you dive into the financial markets, the more you begin to see the deep rot beneath the surface, a system engineered not for fairness or prosperity, but for control and exploitation. It becomes apparent that the markets are not governed by natural laws of supply and demand, but rather by an intricate web of manipulation designed to benefit a select few. What seems like an unpredictable, chaotic environment is, in fact, a well-orchestrated game where the rules are rigged and the outcomes are carefully determined by those with the power to influence every major move. At the heart of this manipulation sits the central banks, the supposed “guardians” of economic stability. But the truth is, these institutions are far more than mere regulators: they are the architects of the financial system’s manipulation. The Federal Reserve, the European Central Bank, the Bank of Japan, and others have the power to control the global money supply. They don’t just tweak interest rates: they print money out of thin air, injecting it into the system whenever they see fit. But here’s where the "conspiracy" runs deep: this money isn’t meant to stabilize the economy, it’s meant to maintain control. Central banks are the puppet masters, pulling the strings behind the scenes, dictating the ebb and flow of global liquidity. They can inflate asset bubbles when they want to, and they can deflate them just as easily when it suits their agenda. They don’t care about inflation or unemployment as much as they care about preserving their power over the financial system. This isn’t just a matter of economic policy, it’s a system of engineered dependency. The global financial system has been designed to ensure that the most powerful players remain in control, no matter the consequences for the general population. This is why we see constant bailouts, massive injections of liquidity, and interventions when things start to unravel. The system is built on the premise that the elites, the central banks, the major financial institutions are “too big to fail.” And when they inevitably make disastrous decisions that cause economic collapse, they know that taxpayers will bear the brunt of the fallout. The rest of the world pays the price for their mistakes, while the insiders continue to profit, as happened with the Libor scandal, proving that banks have access to hidden information taking heavy advantage. But it’s not just about central banks, there’s a far darker force at play: the financial elites who operate behind closed doors. These aren’t just the rich CEOs or the hedge fund managers you see on TV. This goes much deeper, these are the hidden hands, the shadowy figures who control vast sums of money and can move entire markets without anyone ever knowing their names. These players manipulate entire economies, not through public policy or popular decision-making, but through covert control of the financial markets. They use insider knowledge, dark money flows, and vast networks of influence to orchestrate events that lead to market chaos, only to swoop in and profit when the dust settles. When we see markets crash, when we hear about a "black swan event," or when a crisis unfolds with no warning, it’s often because these elites have engineered the situation. Crashes don’t happen by accident. Major financial institutions have the ability to create these crashes, deliberately engineering the circumstances that lead to widespread panic and chaos. They use the media to manipulate public sentiment, spreading fear and misinformation to trigger the mass selling of assets and just as quickly as the panic spreads, they step in and scoop up assets at a discount. The system is designed for them to profit off chaos, and every crash, every downturn, serves as an opportunity for the powerful to consolidate even more wealth and control. This isn’t a free market, it’s a rigged one, and one of the most insidious aspects of this rigging is how the financial elites manipulate the very fabric of market psychology. They don’t just react to news, they create news. They control the timing of major economic announcements, geopolitical events, and market-moving reports. They know exactly when to release a piece of information to cause maximum volatility, to set off a chain reaction of fear or greed that drives the masses into action. "Ah, Mr. President.." But these actions are rarely based on genuine market conditions or the health of the economy. Instead, they are orchestrated to create the right conditions for the elite to profit. When the market crashes, it’s not always because of a “natural” correction, it’s because the powers behind the curtain have decided it’s time to execute a plan. They use their insider knowledge to manipulate the market at every turn, ensuring that they are always on the right side of the trade. What’s even more disturbing is how these elites operate in complete secrecy. Their wealth and power are hidden behind layers of shell companies, offshore accounts, and anonymous entities. The media, which is often controlled by these same elites, keeps the public in the dark, painting a picture of “free markets” and “democracy” while the real decisions are made behind closed doors. The economic system isn’t a democratic institution, it’s a tool used by a few to control the many. They ensure that the average person is never able to break free from the system, keeping them trapped in a cycle of debt, consumerism, and financial dependency. And let’s not forget about the role of governments in this conspiracy. It’s no secret that governments are often in bed with the financial institutions. Politicians pass laws and regulations that benefit the richest individuals and corporations, while the public is left to suffer. Major corporations lobby governments to create favorable conditions for them to thrive, ensuring that they maintain their monopoly over the markets. The entire political and economic system has become a closed-loop, with the powerful feeding off each other to preserve their wealth and influence. In many ways, the financial system has become a form of modern slavery. It keeps people in perpetual debt, reliant on the system for their survival. It forces them to work longer hours, take on more debt, and consume more, all while the wealthy few continue to accumulate power. The average person is trained to believe that they can “work hard” and achieve financial independence, but the system is rigged in such a way that this is virtually impossible. The wealth gap grows ever wider, as the powerful continue to accumulate more, and the rest of the population remains stuck in a cycle of financial insecurity. The more you look at the system, the more it becomes clear that it’s not a “glitch” or a series of unfortunate events, it’s by design. The financial system is an intricate web of control, where every move is calculated, every piece of information carefully crafted to maintain the status quo. The market crashes, the boom and bust cycles, the endless cycles of debt: these are all tools used by the powerful to manipulate and control the masses. It’s a system built not on fairness, not on merit, but on deception and exploitation. Ultimately, the deeper you go into the study of financial markets and technical analysis, the more you realize that the system isn’t just broken, it was never meant to be fair. It was designed to concentrate wealth and power in the hands of the few, while the rest of the world fights over the scraps. What we see as the “free market” is a carefully constructed illusion, a game rigged by those with the knowledge, the wealth, and the power to control it. And as you uncover this truth, you start to understand just how rotten and corrupt the whole system truly is. Corruptio optimi pessima.
Agent Self FBI
@RetroAgent12This man just described the U.S.-Canada border like it’s a finger painting project in kindergarten. “It’s a straight line… with a ruler… it’s beautiful… I’m very artistic…” You know what’s not beautiful? The fact that he sounds like a guy who just discovered maps for the first time.
Bill burr is posting parenti from communist accounts! Everything is speeding up
Yu Hu 🌊
@Punk9277KAITO stakers are the diamond-handed core of the yappers majority staked from day 1 they are the true believers in the InfoFi era everything we do at Kaito is to be aligned with them proof? KAITO stakers have been printing on BOOP and Virtuals (via virgens) KAITO stakers will be printing on another 10 drops already announced (watch out for next week) KAITO stakers will be printing on all other unannounced drops in the works (also - watch out for next week) Kaito accelerates
michelangelo painted sistine chapel ceiling lying on his back four years. paint dripping into his eyes neck breaking spine screaming. wrote poem about the agony: "my stomach pushes by force beneath my chin. my brush above my face makes it splendid by dripping paint." painting god giving life to adam while his own body was dying. pope julius ii commissioned him to paint heaven and michelangelo bled for it. literally. physically suffered for sacred art because sacred art demands sacred sacrifice. painting wasn't job it was crucifixion. you can't paint divine sitting in ergonomic chair with coffee break. modern artist paints commission gets paid goes home same person. michelangelo painted commission became different person. body broken spirit transformed because real art costs real blood real sweat real tears real years of your actual life not your spare time
My neighbors baby was crying so much in the early hours of today, around 2 AM. I heard her father's voice as he started singing for her, i thought the "singing" was for her to sleep off. The one year plus baby joined in singing too. Parenting is not easy o🤣
Walking around the art museum and verbally saying banger after inspecting a painting
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