Twitter Christmas Tweets

I hope everyone had a good Christmas, except the people who use Twitter light mode

mom’s not letting me out of the house cause i look too good in the fit she got me for christmas

Christmas songs are like the smell of ketchup, absolutely disgusting once they are no longer needed.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

If you want peace, be peaceful.

A Prayer for Today "Father thank U for Ur faithfulness in my life. I trust that U are working behind the scenes on my behalf. Thank U for giving me a vision for 2019 that helps me to face foward! Give me strength peace & wisdom 2day & fill me with faith that overcomes the world!

I just had a body scan and discovered I am now 70% cheese. It was a good Christmas.

Here's the only resolution you're going to need: If there is someone in your life who you love you need to tell them. My wonderful mum Sheila passed away on christmas day and I didn't tell her often enough how much I love her.

The morning after Christmas, it's important that we take a few minutes to reflect over the past year, and realize, Epstein didn't kill himself.

Oh non of your exes texted you Merry Christmas? Congrats on having* healthy** boundaries*** *being **ugly ***and forgettable

apparently if you tell your family that you don't own any corkscrews so you open wine by stabbing the cork into the bottle then you get no fewer than three corkscrews for christmas

Wife: [looking out window] the neighbor kid got a bow and arrow for Christmas. Me: I know. Wife: [still looking out window] uh he’s shooting arrows into our front yard. Me: I know. Wife: aren’t you going to do something? Me: [buying medieval catapult kit] I am.

my favorite thing about christmas is that my grandma spells my moms name differently on every present and none of them are ever right

There’s a very specific brand of midwestern Christmas consumerism that demands you get a new pair of pajama pants every single year.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?” “No” “Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

No matter what I get my dad for Christmas there is no gift of greater value to him than the opportunity to use his pocket knife in the process of opening it

You got an IPAD for Christmas? I got leprosy. We are not the same.

No Adult Christmas is complete until you FINALLY see your mother, and that all of us live in the quiet tragedies of God.

if ur single on christmas its cuz ur ugly. dont ever forget that. if u looked better u would have the person u want

The period between Christmas and New Years is like being in an airport for a week. Everybody is in sweats, you’re tired and bloated, you spent all your money, and you can start drinking at 10am.

Starting the day drinking coffee, reading my book, watching the pink sky growing lighter, listening to the sparrows in the hedge. It is blissful. I have so much to look forward to next year. I love this tiny sliver of utter positivity between Christmas and new year.

Christmas Day my two year old kept “getting phone calls” from someone called “Big Boy Cheese”. She’d pick up and be like Hi Big Boy Cheese, yeah still at Nan’s. It took us until 9pm - when she was playing with my mums nativity - to realise that Big Boy Cheese was Baby Jesus.

It’s that strange time between Christmas and New Year where you don't know what day it is, what time it is, who you are, what you’re supposed to be doing and you can't stop eating 5,000+ calories a day

Day four of proper Christmas. Days of the week are long forgotten to history. Food is no longer served in meals; just a constant plate of 'a few bits' every 20 mins. It is both too early and too late to have alcohol. You're not sure you can walk further than 5 metres unaided

It’s official. We have now entered the Strangest time of the year- the 6 days between Christmas & New Year's. A period where you never really know what day it is. Anything is possible. All known laws of nature do not apply until Wednesday. Good luck and Godspeed.

You have £500 left after Christmas. Your son texts you asking for £300 because he is broke. Then your daughter texts you and asks for £150 to get herself a belated present. How much do you have left? Me: £500 and two unread fucking texts!

I love this time of year between Christmas and the New Year. It’s a time of reflection, hope, vision and possibility. A time to think about who you want to be and the life you want to create.

me in the six days between christmas and new years dr. manhattan 🤜🤛 focusing on myself. literally do not care what else is happening. fully naked in the middle of the day

Found this tweet I wrote after a few glasses of wine on Christmas in my drafts: What if instead of wishing for a great year for ourselves, we wished for a great year for the people we love?

attention!!! the period between christmas and new years is not a good time to try and get some work done in fact it is not a good time to do any thing at all except rub your eyes continuously until every thing is sparkly

*Goes to visit granddaddy in the hospital* Mom: You had us worried daddy Granddaddy: Well I thought about it and didn’t wanna ruin y’alls Christmas so I decided not to die today... Me: 🤦‍♂️

At my parents for Christmas Dinner today. My mum had placed knitted Christmas puddings at each place setting. Inside these puddings is a single chocolate and my dad says "Judy, you're really spoiling us with this Ferrero Crochet"

My 64 y/o mother-in-law revealed to us at Christmas that she spent this past year “learning to play the fiddle,” no one in the family had any idea; and then she played, beautifully, a dozen songs for us without looking at sheet music while we sat at the table in awe. (1/2)

i literally have had no idea what day or time it has been since christmas day

Going through emails from Christmas Day and just come across this one from my friend Gerald: "I am not sending Christmas cards this year. Instead, I am putting the money towards... a holiday in Florida."

I seriously hate that time between Christmas and New Years it’s like wtf do you do I didn’t even know it was Sunday 🥴

What I’ve learned this Christmas is that Uno, Dobble and Star Wars Monopoly are all absolute bangers.

My wife Jean and I looked at each other as the final guests left from a boisterous and happy Christmas and the thought came to us: is the house ever as quiet as after the holidays? It's a different feeling from the celebrations, but also a welcome time for reflection.

Say it every year but that week or so after Christmas where you get to wear brand new, right out the packet pants and socks every day is amazing. A real thrill to get ready every morning

Christmas isn’t the same anymore because we buried people who kept our families together.

dec 24: christmas eve dec 25: christmas day dec 26-30: every day feels like a sunday, proof that time is a social construct dec 31: new year's eve jan 1: new year's day jan 2: reality hits jan 3: depression returns

Someone at Christmas dinner said “you know the food’s good when no one is talking” as though we hadn’t been sitting in pained uncomfortable silence the entire day

Ye didn’t reply to my drunk happy Christmas texts and now you want me to share a post of your missing cousin haha the nerve of some people

When I was a kid, if a movie character had a cellphone it meant they were a workaholic who hated Christmas.

The days between Christmas and New Year are when I realize my destiny to become an extended part of my sofa

Someone came in looking for a refund for a Christmas present they got and I had to tell them that it was actually a free gift with purchase so it couldn’t be exchanged and she looked fuming and I fear I have played a part in the end of a friendship

this christmas the kids were at that age where they start to suspect, so we decided to come clean and tell them there is no happy new year

That bit between Christmas and New Year where you don’t have a clue what day it is

It’s time to pick up the “let’s pick this up after Christmas” https://t.co/mZipkNm4KW